Wednesday, June 08, 2005


Toilet paper. Serves one basic function. Cleaning up a toxic waste dump. There are two ways to look at toilet paper. Buy the cheapest you can find, because, after all, you're just going to be flushing it down the crapper. And really, how many of us like throwing money down the toilet? Or the other way to look at it--if you're going to have to use the stuff on a daily basis (I would hope), why not pamper yourself a little bit?

I'll admit, I've always been the type to buy the cheapest TP I can find. Leaves that extra little money for a six-pack or frozen burritos or stuff like that. Single-ply, unscented, white TP. A staple of the American bachelor. Well, I was on my last roll over the weekend (NEVER find yourself on your last roll!), so I ran to the store because, with my luck, I'd find myself in the midst of a nasty case of the runs with one square of TP left. As I'm walking down the "paper products" aisle, a unexplained force guides me to the Charmin. You know Charmin (Mr. Whipple says, "Don't squeeze the Charmin!"). I decide that the frozen burritos could wait this time around. I bought the Charmin (24 rolls--no sense in being skimpy here, since I decided to take the plunge).

Nirvana! Ecstasy! Joy and rapture! The squeezable softness! The gentleness of two-ply as it brushes against your skin! If this is how the moderately rich live, I want to be a part of it! For those of you stuck with the cheap single-ply stuff, I highly recommend giving yourself a treat. Your whole demeanor will change. The sun will shine brighter, the birds' songs will sound cheerier. It'll be a damned fine day to be alive! For those of you who have already known the secret of Charmin, shame on you for not letting the rest of us know! And to Mr. Whipple--you're my newest hero!

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