Tuesday, August 07, 2007

It's My Pity Party

I've been thinking about this post for quite awhile. Months. I heard something this morning that pushed it over the top, so I figured screw it. I'm posting it.

I have, for a LONG long time (pre-blogger, last century, before some of you were born!) been sitting on the sidelines watching life pass me by. Some of you know my deep dark secrets from my past. And how one of them totally derailed my life and my future. Truth of the matter--I have let that affect me for almost two decades. That is too long. I have watched life pass along in front of me, and I've been content to let it do so. I've gotten acclimated to it. I have lost the dreams I used to have. I have lost the desire to go after new ones.

Alot of things have happened in the past week, sort of building to a crescendo. Both in real life and here in the land of Os. Friends are falling in love, out of love, engaging, divorcing, losing jobs, getting promotions, getting pregnant, moving to new states, moving to new countries--the list goes on. Of course, this stuff happens millions of times a day. But none of it has been happening to me.

My family questioned why I would want to spend my 50th birthday in Dallas. Frankly, because it was different. I had my reasons for choosing Dallas, but it could have happened anywhere else, anyplace other than here. I love them all dearly, but I wouldn't have had anywhere near the amount of fun and genuine love I felt as I did down there. I need to do more of that sort of thing. I need to grab the bull by the horns and take some chances. At this point in my life, what's the worst that could happen?

This morning I had a relatively new dream basically vanish into thin air. It was a wispy dream, admittedly, but a dream nonetheless. I think that, based on the past two decades, I would normally retreat, beaten, and drink beer and watch the parade pass me by again. But as it was so eloquently pointed out to me later this morning, "You can initiate change. It doesn't have to stay the same forever. Quit waiting for it to happen to you. Make things happen for you." And that, my friends, is exactly what has been lacking in my life. I'm not going to let it get me down. I need to use this as a catalyst for some sort of change.

A new dream sort of came out of this morning's vanishing act, so that's a good thing. I'm not sure about what other new dreams are going to come along, but I'm too damned old now to wait for them to come fall in my lap. To the wise person who sort of slapped me in the head, I thank you. To the rest of you--this was my pity party. No comments!