Saturday, February 05, 2005


I've been doing alot of thinking recently, and that's not necessarily a good thing. A couple of movies/TV shows started it with their underlying themes--Back To the Future (I & II, not III), Quantum Leap, It's A Wonderful LIfe, Scrooged. See a pattern? Not time travel, but the consequences or possibilities of altering the past. Changing the time/space continuum. Changing your current timeline. Can you tell I've watched too many of these types of shows?

I think we've all made bad decisions in our lifetimes. I'm not talking about things that you say/do when you're drunk or in the heat of passion. I'm talking about decisions where you've had a discussion with yourself about the pros & cons, right or wrong. Personally, I've made several bad ones. But at the same time, those decisions have led me on a road that has allowed me to make my current batch of friends, given me current opportunities, and the like. So if I went back and changed them, chances are very good that I wouldn't have those things today. I look at my choices and see how they've changed my life like a broad butter knife. I don't know that I would, if given a chance, change those decisions. Sure, my life would probably be easier and vastly different, but would I want to lose the good things in my current life? I don't think I would.

By the same token, I think that there are bad decisions/actions that are sharper, and more well-defined. Sometimes as simple as head/tails. Or an impulse decision. You see only one road leading from that decision. It could result in the permanent loss of a friendship, the death of a loved one, a job opportunity lost. You get the idea. I'm fixated these days on one single action that HAS affected my life drastically. One single action that I can pinpoint to a specific date and time. Nothing good has come from that decision, nor will it. One single action that, if given a chance, I'd take back in a heartbeat. Who's to say that things wouldn't go downhill later? But who's to say they wouldn't be substantially better?

I believe that we are all accountable for our actions and choices. And that's why I tend to just accept the past, hopefully learn from it, and look to the future. Every once in awhile, though, I'd really like to go back and change that one thing.

To those of you who know me, none of you (not even you!) know of the specific decision, or its consequences, so quit speculating. And I'm not about to die or anything grand like that. I'm just procrastinating, and this is what came out!

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