Retirement Down the Toilet

Be warned. The "ick" factor on this one is higher than usual....

Due to the copious amounts of rain we've had this spring, the air is now full of pollen and things that we're not used to up in this neck of the woods. As a result, alot of people, including myself, are walking around with red, itchy eyes and stuffy noses. The allergies/hay fever are running rampant. Personally, I've been walking around with a snoot full o'snot. For days I've been blowing my nose, skinning my already sunburned nose. And for days, it seems like I haven't done a complete job at it. It feels like there's still a pencil eraser stuck way up in my sinuses (don't ask how I might know what that feels like). Well, yesterday I decided to go for it. I was going to blow that sucker out, even if I blew out every blood vessel in my face. Normally I'd try digging it out like a coal miner, but this seemed just a tad too deep. So I brace myself and go for it. My eyes go buggy. My ears want to pop. My lungs are on fire as I try to keep a good forceful column of air through my nasal cavities. I think to myself, "good thing I'm a horn player!" I grunt and groan. I might have even farted. Then it happened! The conglomeration of mucus that had been blocking my airways was expelled! I caught it in the Kleenex like Jason Varitek. And then I did what every person does (don't deny it!)--I looked at what I held in my tissue covered hand....

Prior to this, I had just listened to "Puff, the Magic Dragon" by Peter, Paul & Mary on my iTunes. Don't ask why it's on there. It's a catchy tune, and I had it in my head, so to speak, until I blew my nose. I look in the Kleenex, and I find a fine specimen. About half-crusty/half-snotty. An aesthetic mix of colors--a little yellow, some greenish color, and just a little bit of red for accent. Then it hit me. IT LOOKED LIKE THE 60's FOLK SUPER-GROUP PETER, PAUL & MARY!! Swear to God! After I recovered from a little light-headedness, the idea hit me. Put it on eBay! Put it up there with the fried cheese sammie and the Lincoln look-alike french fry! Someone is going to put up big money for this! I could easily get $150,000 to $200,000 for this! I'll be set for life!!!

I gently take my new treasure into the living room. I don't want to lose sight of it. I log onto eBay. I toil with the categories and descriptions. It comes to the point to insert a picture of the sale item. Damn! I haven't done that yet. I find my camera, and focus in on my retirement. Unfortunately, in the short amount of exposure to sunlight and air, the beautiful 2-inch booger had shriveled up into an unrecognizable bit of toxicity that you'd find on the hallways in an elementary school. I was crushed. A tear ran down my cheek. No eBay, no retirement money. I took the Kleenex, and in a fit of frustration, balled it up and tossed it in the toilet and flushed. A metaphor to my life in general. I tried to rationalize it--no one would pay that sort of mony for Peter, Paul & Mary. Not even the religious nuts. But if I could just figure out how to preserve something like that....

The nose/head are still a bit stuffy today. I'm thinking of listening to nothing but Van Halen (DLRoth VH, thank you) for the next couple of days. I'll bet somebody would pay big bucks to see them in the Kleenex!